Backdated to Valentine's Day

There was something wrong. I was surprised that I hadn't noticed it right away but as I leaned against the slot machine, holding a bucket of quarters as Molly yanked on the lever we both seemed to feel it at the same time. It was a lot like when a vampire was around, but different somehow. Like that creepy feeling of being watched only times a million and I didn't know if it was my slayer senses or what that seemed to amplify the feeling. I could see Molly tense up to right before all three icons lined up in a row, announcing that she had won. Again.

Aimlessly I glanced up to see if I could spot Ryan in the crowd but I couldn't. Seth was tall but even scanning for his trademark Jewfro wasn't helping me. Instead my eyes were drawn to the signage on the walls. The Midnight Moon Casino. Where all your dreams come true. I frowned at that and looked back at Molly.

"We gotta get out of here." I told her and normally I would expect an argument but she just nodded at me. "Let's go find the guys."

The two of us started walking through the crowd. Molly was nursing a drink and carrying a bucket of quarters around. I didn't think it was necessary but like she pointed out, she won them fair and square. I was getting a little aggravated with her cause they seemed to be slowing her down until I really thought about it. A bucket of quarters shouldn't slow a slayer down. I looked over at her, concerned. She didn't seem tense at all anymore, just really lethargic and then it dawned on me.

"What's in this?" I demanded as I yanked the cup out of her hand and smelled it. It smelled like cheap vodka and fruit juice but there was something more to it. There had to be, especially when Molly started to sway, her eyes rolling back up into her head.

"Hey. Molly!" I exclaimed, dropping the cup to the floor and moving just in enough time to slow down her fall so her head wouldn't smack on the floor. I looked up and around trying to find Ryan again but I didn't see him anywhere. Where in the hell did they go?

Half-carrying Molly I disappeared into a door that seemed designated for staff only. I had to leave her bucket behind too, which I knew would piss her off later on but I would just remind her that next time she shouldn't drink the drugged alcohol. I laid her down on the floor and slapped the side of her face lightly. How had this happened? Did someone try and roofie her? Kind of a bad move to pull on a slayer if you ask me. "Molly, c'mon." I urged her, shaking her gently.

She was out cold and I knew that it would likely be hours before I could wake her up. With a sigh I pulled my phone out of my purse and dialed Ryan's number. I figured we could carry her out of here and back to the hotel and then we could commence with our Valentine's Day while Seth waited for her to wake up. The problem was, Ryan wasn't answering his phone. I tried Seth's number next and he wasn't picking up either. What the hell?

Now what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just leave Molly here to go and find the guys, but I felt guilty just carrying her out of here without letting Ryan and Seth know what was going on either. “Would be a lot easier if you guys would just answer your phone.” I muttered angrily under my breath. “Or,” I started as I looked down at Molly. “If you would just wake up.”

“Oh, she’s not going to wake up.” A smooth voice from behind me said. I whipped around and noticed three people there. At least, they looked like people. Everything in my body screamed demons. “Ever.” He clarified as he took a step closer to me. I stood up, protectively in front of Molly as I glowered up at him.

“Look,” I held my hands up. “We’re here on vacation. Not here to work. Why don’t you just let it go and we’ll call it a day.”

“Not good enough.” He said to me, not flinching or backing down a step. Apparently, these guys didn’t know about slayers or just didn’t care. Either way, he didn’t look afraid. “Your friends were here before, but we’re not letting you go. This time you’re never leaving.”

“What?” I asked, confused but before he could answer a bunch of other guys (see: demons) filtered into the room and before I could stop them they had a hold of Molly. Damn it. I gritted my teeth and glared at them. “Let her go.”

“Be a good girl. Cooperate and we won’t have to hurt her.” The ringleader said to me as he grabbed me by my arm and started pushing me towards a room nearby. Yeah, right. Like I was really going to just go along with it. I knew I was outnumbered but I had to at least try. I liked to think that if the roles were reversed Molly would try as hard as she could too. I didn’t make it very far before my head was smashed into the wall, much harder than I’d like. Not that there was ever really a time I liked having my head bashed into a wall. I could almost hear Kennedy in my head chastising me right before I blacked out.

( Here in the darkness I know myself, can't break free until I let it go... )

Anything is better than to be alone
And in the end I guess I had to fall
Always find my place among the ashes

1. Think of the first word that comes to mind when you think of me.
2. Go to http://images.google.com and search for that word.
3. Reply to this post with one of the pictures on the first page of results -- don't tell me the word.
4. Put this in your own blog so that I can do the same.

Life is a Soundtrack
Rules:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie.

( here )

Warning: By posting this up you are subjecting yourself to other peoples tastes in music. First rule of Play List is do not get offended by the music people share with you. Your cup of tea is could be someone else's leafy water.
Warning: By posting this up should be willing to seek out the same meme on your friends list and give them some music too!

01. How it works: Place this post up in your journal.
02. Fellow friends list members [and their writers too] are to then in turn comment to your post with music.
03. Said music is shared via an upload that you can download, or a link to lyrics for the connection challenged that reminds them of you.
04. When you comment leave the song title and artist in the subject line so that if someone else thought of the same song they don't have to send it to you again, ;)
05. With enough people and enough variety of songs you should end up with a lovely playlist inspired by those that know you pretty well. [or so you hope]

I had looked all over for cupcakes and couldn't find one anywhere. What the hell was this a hospital or something? All of the food was either gross or healthy which a lot of times can mean the same thing. After I couldn't find a cupcake in any of the machines anywhere I decided to take a long walk around the whole hospital instead of just sticking to our one building and wing. Besides, Seth had been flipping out when I'd left and I really had a much harder time dealing with than Molly and Ryan did. I just decided to let the two of them have some time. After all, I had the feeling they could use it.

It took me a walk all the way across the hospital campus before I found a chocolate cupcake. They came in a package of two and since I'd only promised one I took the privilege of liberating one of them. To my stomach. I was licking frosting off of my thumb and thinking about this whole thing. It was so weird to wake up one day and realize you actually have a life. With a home and a sister and a best friend and a boyfriend. Even though when I really stopped to think about it I almost thought it didn't sound real. Like I was missing out on some key fact. Something I'd missed when I was by myself but I couldn't figure out what it was.

Sitting down on a bench out on the lawn near one of the doors I stared out into the darkness and replayed the battle in my mind. Why was it last time was so bittersweet and this one was just so clear. Sweet. Maybe that's what happens when you don't let yourself get so invested. And somehow even when everything began to change that was the hardest thing to change of all. Maybe I just needed a little more practice but I was just happy that me and Molly and Ryan had managed to live through the fight. I would deal with the rest as it came. If it came.

Maybe some part of me wished I was back home at the dorms, in my pajamas, eating popcorn and watching some stupid Will Ferrel movie with Molly and Helena. But really? I wouldn't have traded tonight for the world. Because for the first time, it really felt like winning was possible.

I heard footsteps and when I turned to look I saw Ryan standing behind me. "Hey." I said to him as I scooted over so he could sit down next to me. "I started to think you'd disappeared."

Was I scared? It was the question that everyone kept asking me. Was I scared? And when I said no they didn't believe me. But the truth was, I wasn't scared at all. A month ago it would have been because I was just walking around in a shell, already battle tested with nothing left to lose. Now I had plenty to lose and I had one thing that no one else had. I had a sister who could predict the future. Helena wasn't trying to stop me from going into the fight like Ryan had and I could only guess that meant one thing. I wasn't gonna die tonight. If I wasn't gonna die then I had no reason to be scared.

I'd avoided Molly for days now that I knew she was the who had tattled on me to Kennedy. It wasn't the only factor either. Five girls were dead, and I knew I wasn't going to die but others would. Would Molly? Detaching myself seemed like the best way to deal with a potential loss. I never said it was the healthiest of ideals but it seemed logical to me. She had gotten a lot closer to some blonde who's name I hadn't bothered to learn just yet, one of Lexi's old friends. And I'd stayed close to Helena. When Connor counted us off, half on Team Connor and half on Team Alec I couldn't help but notice that Molly was following Alec too. For a moment I thought of catching up with her when I saw her run to Seth and kiss him but instead I let her get lost in the crowd. She had to take care of herself.

Clutching the broadsword in my hand I kept to myself as I walked among the slayers. I felt like I was watching an old black and white movie about the Amazons or the Valkyries. I really didn't know much about energy or about magick, that was more Helena's forte but I knew how to fight and when the lightning ripped through the sky and a portal began to emerge I realized that I'd never faced a battle quite like this before. Even Sophia would probably run from a giant dragon breathing fire.

Almost immediately the fighting began to break out. It almost became hard to tell who was who and I had to stay especially cautious to not hurt any of my fellow slayers and to only attack demons. Things happened so fast and then they almost slowed down. It felt like I was having an out of body experience as I swung my sword and furiously punched and kicked my way through the heavy throng of demons. Last time I'd lost everything and I was fighting for revenge. This time I was fighting for something so much more.

I wanted a piece of the dragon but I knew it wasn't only out of my league but out of my reach as it soared over head. Instead I set my sights on anything ground level that I felt like I could take on. Heads were rolling and that felt so good until I had made my way through another demon only to see one of the girls who lived right next to me and Molly get her throat sliced open. Blood squirted out so fast I could feel it spray across my face as I tried to catch her before she hit the ground.

I didn't even know her name.

She was dead and there was nothing else I could do for her so I stood up, ready to keep going. I thought I had the best of one particularly ugly demon until suddenly sword was yanked out of my hand. I watched it clatter to the floor and angrily I kicked out, gritting my teeth together. We traded blow after blow and after awhile I felt myself starting to get a little tired. Not a lot, but enough to slow me down a pace or two. That was all it took before I felt the hard crust of his knuckle smash right into my jaw. More blood sprayed from my mouth with the impact before I hit the ground as the thing towered over me. It raised it's hands up and for a moment I knew I was done for. Had Helena not predicted it? Had she known I was gonna die tonight?

I braced myself for the killing blow when all of a sudden the demon was blindsided by a fierce right hook. I was surprised to see Ryan standing there but I couldn't give myself much time to process it before I was up and stomping my foot onto the demon's neck until I heard a solid crunch.

"You came."

For once, I was glad that Ryan never listened to me. And also glad that he had a killer right hook.

Looking out into the fray a brunette falling to the ground in a heap as a demon stood over her caught my eye. "Molly..." I breathed out before Ryan and I were both running over there, I only stopped long enough to pick my sword back up. I pushed it through the demons back before it literally stepped on Molly. "That's my best friend. Back the fuck off." I warned it as I finally ran the sword all the way through, letting go of the weapon as the demon dropped to the ground. Dead as a doornail.

"Molly." I fell to my knees and shook her a little bit. She was bleeding a lot. "Molly, c'mon." I was afraid to move her, afraid to hurt her but I couldn't just leave her here. My fingers pressed to the side of her neck made me realize her heart was still bleeding. "We've gotta move her." I said to Ryan as the two of us picked her up on either side and made our way through the fight, trying to pull Molly out of the middle of it.

I heard my radio squawk just as we let Molly down on a hillside nearby. Something about a giant marshmallow monster. I don't know. Seth was gonna freak out. Ryan ripped the sleeves off of shirt and the two of us tried to stop some of the bleeding by pressing it to her wounds but she wouldn't stop. I didn't want to abandon the fight but we had to get her to the hospital. Just as I thought it I looked up and saw the building we'd been flanking begin to crumble. It looked like the war was almost over and we were winning. Just like they say, it's always darkest before dawn.

1 question...
1 chance...
1 honest answer...

That's all you get. Ask me one question. Any one question, anything, no matter how crazy it is. An honest answer. No catch.

Well, okay, there's just one. All comments will be screened so your question stays private between you and me, and only you will get to see my answer to your question. But I dare you to repost this and see what people ask you.

It was so weird. How everything you've ever known, everything that's made up who you are for almost as long as you can remember, how it all can just get stripped away so quickly. I used to know who I was and what I needed to do to survive. Little pieces of it kept chipping away though. First when Helena died and then when my foster parents did and my watcher. All of it contributed to who I became, and the shell I'd built around myself. It seemed impenetrable and I'd gotten used to the numb feeling, I just assumed that I would be that way for the rest of my life.

Now it was like I'd been sitting on my foot for three hours and the pins and needles hurt but at least it meant the blood flow was back, that it was waking up. That's what I was as Ryan drove me and Helena back to school. I was pins and needles all over. Like I was slowly waking up as I said goodnight to Ryan and promised him I'd call tomorrow. It was the same as we quietly entered the school through a back door near the kitchen. My hand clutched hers as we quietly made our way up the stairs, so many memories that I was almost bowled over by the de ja vous. I think some part of me was afraid that if I let go of her I'd lose her forever.

When we got upstairs Molly wasn't in her room. I didn't know if she was hanging out with one of her other friends or not but since she apparently already knew Helena she wouldn't have a problem with her staying with us for awhile. She had to, or else I was leaving with her. I knew that at least for a little while I wouldn't be able to sleep if Helena wasn't in the same room. Once I had her settled in I disappeared for a moment to find us some dinner. I hadn't eaten before I'd left with Ryan and my stomach was starting to growl. I promised her I would be right back before I left the room and headed downstairs to the kitchen.

Once I was in the kitchen I opened up some cabinets and started to look through what was inside. Usually we all worked together to help with dinner every night but it wasn't like I couldn't handle finding something on my own. Grabbing some bread and some peanut butter and jelly I started to make some sandwiches for me and my sister. I was starved and after I was done with this I was gonna find something else to bring upstairs with me too. I was putting the peanut butter back in the cabinet when I heard someone come in. Turning around I realized it was Kennedy and I rolled my eyes and waited for it to start.

Ready.

The word airport was hardly out of Ryan's mouth but that was all I needed to hear. If I had been thinking a little more clearly I might have just taken the keys out of his hand but instead I just turned around and walked out of Kennedy's apartment where apparently my sister had been staying. I didn't think Ryan had any reason to lie to me, he'd never lied to me before so why would he start with this? Even so, I couldn't really wrap my mind around it. It didn't make any sense. I'd been living with this for over a year. Helena's ghost had followed me to Colorado and then to Los Angeles. She had been with me the entire time so how could she be alive?

I was glad that Ryan wasn't one for smalltalk. He just followed me out to his car and got in the driver's side as I climbed into the passenger's. Before long we were back on the road heading towards LAX. My heart was living in my throat, and even though it was only about a fifteen minute ride to the airport it seemed more like fifteen years. The window was cool against my forehead as I leaned on it, watching the scenery pass. I had never been much for praying but suddenly I was silently pleading with every deity I could think of. Please just let her be there.

I don't have much time.

I don't know why I did it but I turned on my cellphone and checked my messages and my email. Molly was threatening to tell Kennedy but I really didn't care right at the moment. In fact, I hoped she did tell Kennedy. I had a few choice words for my "teacher" who had always complained that my heart just wasn't in it. I would be happy to show her what I was made of if what Ryan was saying was true. Rationally I knew that Molly was still upset about what had happened to her friends and now was probably worried about me but I didn't really care at the moment.

Everything that I was, whoever I had become just didn't exist anymore. I was living in the past, which was why I snapped my phone shut and decided to ignore Molly's question of where I was. Because in the past there was no Molly. There was just me and before that there was my sister. It was kind of like going back in time, except I couldn't see anything in between. I couldn't remember anything about slayer school or jail or my watcher or Sophia. All of it was a blur, crashing down with a screeching halt to two girls living in a one room apartment above a crappy diner in New Orleans.

I'll be alright and you will be too. There's just some stuff that you have to do first.

The tires squealed as Ryan pulled into the parking garage at the airport and he'd barely stopped the car when I was already jumping out of it. It was kind of like slaying. Stop thinking and just act. Go, go, go. I raced through the garage and in through the doors but LAX was gigantic. I'd never actually been inside of it before but I hadn't really thought of trying to figure out where she would be. I screeched to a sudden halt in the middle of an aisle as people bustled around me as if they had no idea. They didn't know and the sheer immensity of the building made me want to cry for a second. How was I gonna find her in here?

I could hear Ryan running in behind me, calling my name but he couldn't keep up with me so I mostly ignored him as I spun around wishing that she would just suddenly appear in front of me. My head felt like it was still spinning even though I had stopped already. Swallowing the lump in my throat I tried to pick a direction when I realized a little boy was staring up at me.

"You forgot this over there." He said to me as he handed me a magazine that I had never seen before.

I only looked at it for a second before I bent down and took him roughly by the shoulders. "Where? Where did I leave this?!" I demanded, shaking him probably a little too hard.

"Over there. Let me go!" He shrieked and I did, quickly before I got arrested for being a terrorist or something. Not that I cared right now. Instead I was staring at the area he had pointed out. There was a brunette standing with her back to me staring out the window. Dropping the magazine on the floor I walked over to her.

"Helena?"

You'll never be alone.


(Helena....)

I had a cat, a little kitten that I loved. I've never actually had a cat but in my dream I did. A little grey and white kitten that I carried with me everywhere. She was sweet and calm and I named her Helena. She lived in the dorm with me and Molly but mostly I brought Helena everywhere that I could. She was always curled up in my arms when I was in my room and at night she would sleep right on my chest and purr.

We were celebrating Christmas in the banquet room at school. There was a huge table, just one that stretched the entire length of the room that we've only ever used for the Halloween party that Molly threw. Kennedy sat at one end and Spike sat at the other, the rest of us were on either side and there was so much food I wondered how even a room full of slayers would be able to eat it all. Helena was at my feet, occasionally darting under the table to check that none of the slayers had accidentally dropped a scrap or two here for her to scavenge on.

Lexi served us the main course, I wasn't really sure what it was when she took the cover off of the platter. It was some kind of roast....meat. It still had a face which normally I would have thought strange but in the dream I thought it was perfectly normal. I was completely prepared to eat some of the roast when suddenly it came to life. It's eyes were yellow and it made a noise that I couldn't even begin to describe.

The roast jumped off of the platter and onto the floor and before I could stop it, it had a hold of Helena's tail. I rushed to the other side to stop it, but by the time I got there it was already dangling her by the tail, jerking her back and forth as she screamed, screeched and clawed. I stepped on the roast hoping to kill it but the force of my foot hardly even slowed the thing down. I tried to hit it, to kick it but nothing would stop it. Finally I grabbed a knife off of the table and chopped the entire thing in half.

The beast stopped moving, but Helena wasn't moving either. The cat's eyes had glazed over a strange milky white color and it just laid there. There was nothing I could do.

Muse: Lucy Silverlake (OC)
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Artist: Evanescence
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 935

( Tell me you will live through this and I will die for you. Cast me not away, say you'll be with me for I know I cannot bear it all alone. )

Who cares about the first day of kindergarten or the first day of any other school? I've had so many first days that I can't even count them all. Nobody could ever deal with Helena getting sick all of the time so we were always getting bounced around from place to place. After awhile I stopped making friends because eventually we'd just end up somewhere new and have to start all over again.

The first day of slayer school seemed just like any other new school. Maybe I wouldn't be bounced out of this one because I automatically belonged to the Slayers Club but I wasn't really at a point where I was willing to make any friends. Kennedy was really overbearing and intimidating but I forced myself to keep it even with her. In reality, Kennedy seems to intimidate everyone but me. I don't know. There's just something about her that seems a little wounded underneath the surface. I could relate to that, even if I don't express it by being bossy.

She introduced me to the girls and some of them seemed nicer than others but I figured I would just be working with them, it wasn't like I needed to make friends with any of these girls. I'm seventeen so I needed a legal guardian and Kennedy could make that happen for me. I figured I would learn how to fight here and then the minute I turned eighteen I would just leave and start over again somewhere else. By then, constantly reseting my life seemed like the norm.

Then she introduced me to my roommate, Molly. Molly is loud and cheerful and listens to really irritating music and has a big enough wardrobe to clothe Bolivia. Just picture my polar opposite and you have Molly. I was determined to avoid her and ignore her at all costs. But here's the thing about Molly, it's impossible to avoid her. You can bury your nose as far in a book as you possibly can and she'll still keep talking to you until you have no choice but to put it down and listen to her.

I didn't really have an instant connection with Molly, not like the one I have with Ryan or anything. But it didn't take me long to like her. To this day I'm glad she forced me to be her friends. It's been a long time since I've had one of those.

And this time? I'm not being shipped somewhere else to start over.

I can't stand hospitals. I know a lot of people feel that way and it's mostly because horrible things happen there. Even with the marvels of modern science and medicine it's never the miracles that people remember, it's always everything else. No miracle ever happened to me though, and no miracle ever happened to my sister. They can't save them all, right? That's what they told me. That they tried, but they can't save everyone. There has to be some sacrifices. I'm not really sure if that's what I think Helena was but it just didn't seem fair to me. She was only sixteen years old, nobody's life should end at sixteen.

I wish I could even say that my only experience with hospitals was the night that Helena died but it wasn't. She was always sick and that meant we were always in and out of hospitals. When I was little I didn't really understand it. My parents would visit with her and always come back and tell me that Helena was taking a little trip somewhere and that was why she'd been gone for days and days. Little kids are dumb so I believed them, because they were my parents and that's what you're supposed to do.

When we got older our foster parents were never as nice or thoughtful, and besides that I was old enough to understand that Helena was getting sick all of the time. I had to slow down so she could keep up. I never minded doing that but I knew that sometimes it bothered her. Helena spent a lot of time in the hospital. She always had pneumonia or bronchitis. Those were the two reoccurring ones but there were countless others in between. I spent a lot of nights dozing off in a plastic chair in waiting rooms and hospital rooms while Helena slept or was operated on.

Sometimes I'm convinced that I spent half of my teenage years in a hospital even though I never got sick, not once. Now I know it's because I was some kind of potential vampire slayer. I hate the sight of hospitals now, I won't even go inside one if I can get around it but.... I'd do it again. I'd spend all those sleepless nights, hours talking to doctors and nurses drinking cold stale coffee. I'd do it again, just to have her back.

Molly seemed to think it was okay that Seth knew what she was, what she was capable of but I knew better. Maybe for right now he was caught up in the idea of knowing a superhero but that was bound to wear off quickly when he was actually exposed to who Molly was and what she was capable of. I didn't really know how to make it clear to her and it bothered me that I was trying so hard. I was never really supposed to get close to anyone else and then I let myself get too close to Ryan and Molly. Molly was almost understandable, she knows what we are, she can handle what comes along with it because she was born into it just like I was. But Ryan? I knew that he was a tough kid but I've made that mistake before.

I couldn't find a way to express it to her. To make her understand that this is what happens. You go somewhere and you get caught up in a battle between good and evil that shouldn't really have anything to do with you and everyone else turns their back on you. I saved the people in that town and they turned around and blamed everything on me. I had friends, I did and then they abandoned me when they realized what I was and what I could do. You couldn't really blame them I guess, they'd had their own fair share of losses and I was an easy scapegoat for something that couldn't otherwise be explained at all.

That was what Molly was going to be and maybe she needed to learn that lesson herself. She was going to be a scapegoat when Seth couldn't handle the truth about her anymore. Because that's how it always happens and that's why we were built to be alone. She should have seen the way Seth acted when I helped them. It was like a little piece of Last Chance all over again. He pointed at me and told Ryan to get away from me because I was one of them. Yeah, that's me, I'm one of them. And Molly is too.

Unfortunately, I knew that I still owed Ryan an explanation. Even if he was going to run away from me I should at least attempt to tell him what I was and explain why I'd kept it a secret. We'd gotten really close over the last few months and he'd even told me about Marissa. The least I could do was be honest with him too. He wasn't my boyfriend, no matter what Molly kept saying but we were friends and that was more than I had before I came to town. Yeah, I know I kissed him once but it was just because I was so overwhelmed by what he was telling me about his dead ex-girlfriend. And I just...did it. I don't know why.

It didn't take me long to walk to his apartment and I knew the way, I'd been there so many times before. Pausing in front of his door I contemplated just turning around and heading back home and not dealing with him. Technically, I could probably do that and I was annoyed because I didn't want to.

So I knocked....


(Open to Ryan...)

#1. Sweet Sacrifice- Evanescence
#2. Snow White Queen- Evanescence
#3. Where Will You Go- Evanescence
#4. Like You- Evanescence
#5. Lithium- Evanescence
#6. Your Star- Evanescence
#7. Call Me When You're Sober- Evanescence
#8. Lose Control- Evanescence
#9. Bring Me To Life- Evanescence
#10. All That I'm Living For- Evanescence
#11. Lacrymosa- Evanescence
#12. The Only One- Evanescence
#13. Understanding- Evanescence
#14. Good Enough- Evanescence
#15. Forgive Me- Evanescence





( lyrics )

//locked from Ryan and Seth//

I always knew there was something up with Ryan. He's kind of a rare find, which is why I think I've always liked him. A lot of the girls here, they talk alot but they don't always say anything. I guess that's alright, I don't mind listening and it's better than me sharing. I'm not really so good at that. For some reason Ryan brings that out of me and I think it's because he's the only person I know that I can just be quiet with and it's not awkward or weird, it's just comfortable.

Maybe I know what it's like to try and be friends with me, which to be fair is probably only Molly and Lexi at the moment. Because Ryan never says anything about himself. I knew that something had to have happened to him, there's always so much pain in his eyes and then finally when we were in Greece he told me about Marissa. I don't know alot about her, just that they were in love and then she died and he can't get over it.

I know there's probably some lesson in here somewhere but maybe I'm too much like Ryan. Because now it's just easier to focus on him, on trying to find my way inside, to help him. I always said I wasn't going to help anyone else ever again and then I came to LA and started slayer school, I made friends and I met Ryan.

He's a train wreck, a complete mess even if he won't ever let anyone else see it. But I see a little bit more of it every time I talk to him, whether he wants me to or not. And now the only thing I want is for him to let me in just a little more.

Lucy has never been much of a drinker. Even back when she lived in New Orleans, waitressing at the strip club, surrounded by drunks and jerks all night long, she had never been one to drink very much. Back then she had bigger things to worry about, too many responsibilities, she had to take care of Helena. Lucy has always been the responsible one. Responsible for her sister, responsible for the people in Colorado who thought she was to blame in the first place, even now she can't help but feel a little responsible for Molly and the other girls at school. It's just old hat for Lucy, so much like habit that she can't seem to shake it. She's sure that she can bend without breaking, she's proven it to herself more than a few times. She can pull herself together, she can keep it all inside, she can survive. At least until the ghosts start following her around.

She's always seen them. Her parents, her sister, Max, the Blakes.... She sees them every night when she closes her eyes, sees her sister reflected back in the bathroom mirror, she's always had ghosts following her around but never so literally as she does now. Now when she turns around she sees Helena. Not in the mirror and not in her sleep, but like a real hallucination shimmering just around every corner before she's gone again. At first Lucy thinks it's just her mind playing tricks on her but eventually she begins to wonder if this is what going insane feels like.

No, Lucy has never been the type to binge on anything let alone alcohol, but then again, Lucy's never actually seen a ghost before either. She can't take it anymore, tries so hard to go on with her life as normal but she's slipping and she can feel it. Kennedy and Spike are riding her hard at school but her heart isn't in it and her focus is a million miles away, or however far New Orleans is from Los Angeles. Her friends ask her why but she isn't the type to sit down and spill all of her problems onto someone else's lap. Lucy takes care of Lucy and that's the way it's always been.

She thinks about that as she meanders into the closest dive bar she can find. When they ask her for identification to prove that she's twenty-one she only tilts her chin up and glares at the bartender. A look so intense and filled with such loathing that she doesn't have to wait another minute for that gin and tonic, it's just miraculously placed in front of her. She feels the burn of the liquor as it makes it's way down her throat. But that's the beauty of alcohol, after the first drink the second one is always easier to take down. Slayer have a much higher constitution concerning alcohol tolerance but Lucy is a novice and she's getting drunk very quickly. Not drunk enough to forget about Helena though, to forget about any of it.

There are vampires in the bar, Lucy can feel her skin crawling with their presence. They know she's there too, she can feel it. She doesn't bother to turn around, she can feel herself start to wobble but her senses are on fire as she slams her hand around in a sloppy backhand. The empty glass she's holding cuts into her hand, but it also cuts into the vampire's face. He howls and she can't help but let the corner of her mouth turn up into a half smile as she turns around and kicks him hard. When she stands up she can feel the stinging sensation and she knows it's the glass shard still embedded in the fleshy part of her palm. Looking down she slowly peels it clean before she strikes out again. She's making a lot of mistakes and when the vampire's friend grabs her by her arm and slams her face first into the wall she can almost hear Spike snickering at her, can hear Kennedy yelling at her. Work harder, be better. And all she can see is her own face reflected back at her from the bloody piece of glass now laying at her feet.

The fight is longer than it should be. She's sloppy but they're fledglings. In that regard she supposes she has something in common with them but it doesn't stop her from killing two of them and chasing a third one off. She takes a licking in the meantime but she can feel the bittersweet victory on her tongue. It tastes a little like gin mixed with blood.

Her reflection in the rows of bottles on the bar taunts her as the bartender grabs her by the elbow and easily propels her out the back door, yelling something about trouble makers not being allowed in his bar as her back hits the brick in the alley and she slides down to the ground. She wants to scream at him that he doesn't have any idea, that none of them do. She's a god damn superhero and she can go wherever she wants. She doesn't say anything, she's not sure if she's too disoriented to find the words or if she just can't bring herself to care enough to come to her own defense.

A homeless man is singing some Disney song that she vaguely recognizes, she can hear his voice drifting softly down the alley as she buries her head in her hands. She knows she can't stay here forever but she doesn't know who to call. She can't call Molly or Lexi or any of the other girls from school, she doesn't have an explanation for the distrust she has of the people she calls friends. Slowly she stands up, and sifts through her pockets for some change to call a cab when she finds a name and number written on a slip of paper.

Ryan's there in only a few minutes and she doesn't know why, because she's only just met this guy at some party at some stranger's house a week ago. She can't explain it because Lucy is strong. She can bend, but she never breaks. She hasn't shed one tear since the day her sister died. Not for the Blakes, not for her watcher, not for anything. It's like Ryan's opened the floodgates when he wraps his arms around her and before she knows it she's sobbing into his shoulder.

She's not sure how long she's cried, or even how she ends up at his apartment. She just knows that for a moment everything is quiet, all of the turmoil strangling her from the minute she was old enough to know better is silent. Everything feels still as she lays her head down in a stranger's lap in a strange living room. And finally she can sleep.

"Who you are is speaking so loudly that I can't hear what you're saying" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's hard to listen to Kennedy sometimes, because she follows her moods. I guess they say that most girls are like that. And by most people, I really mean guys and by how they describe us it would be moody bitches. There's probably some truth in that but I've never seen anyone impulsively follow their mood swings like Kennedy does. I know she's hard on us because she wants us to be stronger, better slayers. Even when she pushes us to the near breaking point I know it's not just to torture us, but to make us better. After everything that happened in Colorado sometimes Kennedy's exercises in testing my patience don't seem that hard.

The other girls complain about her a lot. Most of them prefer the days when we're just training with Spike. I don't mind Spike so much but he is a vampire and that gives me the creeps. He's supposed to be some kind of good vampire, and he must be or else he wouldn't be helping us out so much. What vampire offers himself up to get pummeled by a bunch of slayers five days a week? Probably not a very evil one, and according to the rumors he's dating Buffy Summers. My watcher used to tell me a lot about Buffy and Faith back in Colorado and they always seemed like these larger than life figures, almost mythical but here they are, real people who apparently date vampires.

I don't know it's not my business, and I'm getting off track again. The point is Kennedy's a slayer and Spike's a vampire but I see more darkness when I look into Kennedy's eyes than I've ever seen in Spike's. Granted, I don't know either one of them very well but I think you show your true self when you're fighting. If that's true, then it blurs a lot of lines for me and for the rest of the world about the whole good and evil thing. I guess you can't really be sure of anyone or anything until you come face to face with it. I don't need to listen to Kennedy's lecturing or Spike's bitching, I see who they really are when we're in the middle of sparring.

I had a sister, she was older than me by just a couple of minutes but most of the time I felt like the older one. Ever since I could remember, Helena was always sick. Even when we were kids and I'd go outside and roll around in the dirt, Helena would try to keep up with me but she just never could. More than most of the time she was on bed rest for some thing or another. The doctors could never really pinpoint what was wrong with her, just said that she had a weak immune system and there was nothing we could do for her. It wasn't just that though, and I think even when I was a kid I knew that Helena was different. She used to have these fits, at least that was what I would call them because I didn't have any other words to describe them. I'm not even sure if my explanations would do them any justice, but she would babble and sit straight up in a dead sleep.

After my parents died, the fits started to get worse and as we started to get older I started to pick out little grains of truth in my sister. She would say something that made no sense during one of her fits and then a week later whatever she had said? It would just come true. I couldn't explain it back then and even knowing the things I know now? I still can't explain it.

Nobody would take us in because of my sister's health but I wouldn't let myself be separated from her, even if it meant that I might be adopted. Why would I want a fake family when I could cling to the one remaining part of my own? When Helena said that we were in trouble, I believed her. In one night I packed us both up and managed to hot wire a car to take us as far South as I could get us. We ended up just outside New Orleans and Helena was too sick to work so that meant I had to go out and get a job. I didn't mind, waiting tables was a lot better than the schools they kept sticking us in anyways. I would work during the day and then at night I would go home and take care of my sister. At least that was how it was until she got so sick that I knew even I couldn't take care of her anymore.

By the time I got her to the hospital she already had the later stages of pneumonia and her heart was failing. She was sixteen years old and her heart just stopped beating like it was supposed to. I was with her when it happened, and I swear she looked straight through me. No. Straight into me, like she always did and then she told me where I was supposed to go next. It was like she knew what I was supposed to become before I ever did. In hindsight, thinking about some of the things she'd said to me, I think she knew all along and just couldn't find the words to tell me or knew that she shouldn't.

Helena was the better half of me. She was sweet, and even when she was sick she could see straight into the truth of things. Me? I only see what's right in front of me.

They told me that I could go. Just like that I was free, for the first time in seventeen years I was free because when you have nothing, you are free.

It was my lawyer that actually gave me the news. Apparently despite what the people of Last Chance kept saying about me they couldn't actually find any evidence linking me to anything that had happened there. Luckily for me that meant the case was dropped and I was finally getting out of this hellhole. At least in juvie no one really expected anything from you, everyone in here was exactly the same. Nobody pretended to be your friend in here and it tended to give you a lot of time to think. It didn't matter though because I couldn't stay here anymore and to make matters even better the state of Colorado had decided that I wasn't their problem anymore. Colorado wanted to get rid of me and Ohio didn't want me back. That made me officially an emancipated minor, which was good because after the Blakes I wasn't sure I wanted to play house with anyone ever again. I was on my own and I had just started to figure that out when my lawyer surprised me by dropping the "S" bomb. She knew what I was. I didn't really know how, I didn't think to ask why because nobody in their right mind believes in a girl who's supernaturally strong and built for killing vampires. Not only did she know, but she had a suggestion for where I should next. Los Angeles.

I've never been to California before. Colorado was as far west as I had ever been and the only thing I knew were the things I'd seen on television over the years. Everyone was blond, which was going to make me stick out but what else would be new? And everyone hangs out at the beach, also there's the whole Hollywood cokehead thing. What can I say? When I was in Louisiana I had a free month of Showtime. California wouldn't have been my first choice but supposedly there was some school there that was made for girls like me. I should hit the city and look for a girl named Kennedy Bradford. I guess in LA she's Queen of all things Slayer. I figure what the hell, I might as well go to California. It's not like I have anywhere else to go.

She gave me a little bit of money and the rest I managed to steal in a few different places from the people of Boulder. What other choice do I have? Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to just to scrape by. I'm not stupid, I know that life's not fair but what's the point of being a superhero if I can't help myself? I managed to get together enough money to head out on the road and honestly I couldn't be out of Colorado fast enough. I probably could have stolen enough to take a bus or something but I figured hitchhiking was free and it wasn't like I had to worry about some psycho picking me up and trying to mess with me. I stole a knife too, just to make extra sure that I could handle whatever came barreling down the long stretch of highway that sprawled out before me, set against the mountains in the distance.

It was dusk, and I knew it would be getting dark and cold soon so I just kept walking down the stretch of highway hoping for a ride from someone. The road looked like it went on forever, and I kept my eyes on it as the sun finally set behind the mountains and the stars began showing themselves. It is pretty here, but I still won't miss it. I said the same thing about Louisiana when I left it. How many more states could I burn my way through? It was a long way to California. I bet I could do all kinds of damage.

Suddenly I was overcome with the sudden urge to run. I don't know if I wanted to run away from something or towards something. I didn't know what the future was gonna hold but I could see the past so clearly. It was trailing behind me, like that stretch of road and mountain. The past was lucky that way, already dead and gone with no anticipation of the next day or the day after that. I'm the only one standing here and by now the only one that's walking next to me on the warm pavement is my shadow. Neither of us feel very lucky.

Lucy and Helena Silverlake were born to Celia and Dean Silverlake of West Springs, Ohio. Helena, born three minutes ahead of Lucy, had always been a sickly child. From the time she was old enough to walk Celia and Dean had to keep an extra eye on Helena who would often suffer from a variety of illnesses. Even as she got older and fought to play rougher to keep up with Lucy, something as simple as a scraped up knee would become infected and keep Helena bed-ridden for days at a time. Lucy, although the younger sister was always taught by Celia and Dean to protect Helena because she wasn’t as strong as Lucy was. When the girls were age seven, Dean and Celia were killed by an on-coming tractor trailer truck late one evening while the girls were staying with a sitter.

With the deaths of Dean and Celia hanging over their heads, Helena and Lucy were put into the state’s foster care system and eventually transported to Cleveland. Because of Helena’s various illnesses it became near impossible to find anyone agreeable to the idea of adoption. Several adoption offers by foster parents were made for Lucy but because she refused to leave her sister’s side no matter what the consequence Lucy and Helena were continually bounced around in the system and shuffled off from one foster home to the next.

Lucy began to adapt to the constant change in her life, being pulled out of one school and into the next. From one family to another sometimes within a matter of weeks and always she shielded Helena. As the girls became teenagers Helena’s illnesses began to come more frequently and Lucy worked hard to protect her twin sister. Helena’s worsening condition wasn’t the only thing that was bothering Lucy, now age sixteen. Not only was Helena consistently ill but she began to grow violent and with the violence she began to hallucinate. She would often give Lucy strange and foreboding grains of truth amidst the insanity and agitation that often took her over when she was sick. Lucy didn’t want to believe that her sister was honestly seeing the future until Helena’s words began coming true. One night during a fever she predicted that their foster father would fall off of a ladder while installing a new light bulb into the foyer light fixture and the next day Lucy witnessed his fall herself. He was an angry drunk, the sort of man that only took in foster children for the tax break and the check that came in from Ohio state every month. When Helena told Lucy that he was going to kill her in a week, Lucy believed her. She packed up her sister and the two of them ran.

They ended up in a small town just outside of New Orleans. Lucy got a job waiting tables at a local strip club but Helena was too ill to work so she spent most of her days holed up in the small one bedroom apartment that Lucy could afford on her meager wages. Lucy began to worry when Helena’s health began to take a turn for the worst. It began to grow so bad that Lucy insisted on taking her sister to a hospital but Helena refused on the grounds that a hospital would force the two of them out of hiding and back into the system.

After a long night of waiting tables Lucy struck up a conversation with a stripper named Reena. Not known for socializing with the strippers Lucy was surprised to learn that Reena knew about her sick sister having overheard a conversation between the two and offered to take Lucy and her sister to a doctor who was known for visiting Reena at work on a fairly regular basis. By the time Lucy and Reena managed to get Helena to the doctor her condition worsened and the hospital wasn’t an option that could be avoided anymore. No longer caring about what might happen Lucy insisted on taking Helena into the hospital. After arriving at the hospital Helena was diagnosed with pneumonia and was dead within thirty minutes. Her last words were to Lucy were that a place called Last Chance was going to need her. Lucy never had the chance to ask Helena what Last Chance was or why it needed her before her sister passed away.

With her sister’s death, and Lucy’s subsequent shock at losing her twin she was placed back into the foster care system and eventually passed on to Linda and Devon Blake of Last Chance, Colorado. The Blakes seemed like actual decent people to Lucy and she almost cursed her luck because she knew if her sister were still alive the Blakes wouldn’t want anything to do with either one of them. Lucy re-enrolled for her Junior year of high school and tried to make the best of it but night after night her sleep was haunted with violent dreams. Sometimes Lucy would see Helena in her dreams and she was always trying to tell Lucy something but Lucy could never quite make out what it was.

That was when the attacks started happening. At first it was only rumors, floating through the hallways of Last Chance High School in whispered tones. Monsters walked among them and were slowly picking people off one by one, the only way to escape from them was hollowed ground, an old church that stood at the edge of town. Lucy didn’t believe the rumors she heard at first, instead concentrated on school and the few friends that she had. It wasn’t long until she witnessed one of the attacks herself, out on a date where two monsters that she could only describe as horrific and frighteningly similar to the monsters that plagued her dreams attacked her and the boy she was with. With surprising amounts of strength Lucy managed to chase the monster off along with her date. Once she was alone again a British man appeared out of the shadows to tell her about her destiny. His name was Max. Lucy was skeptical about all of her supposed destiny until she was forced to test herself and discovered that she wasn’t exactly your typical teenage girl anymore.

The attacks began growing worse in the town, the population dwindling by astronomical numbers every day. It wasn’t long before the townspeople that refused or couldn’t afford to leave were forced into the old church every night at sunset. Max convinced Lucy that she was the only thing standing between the clan of vampires terrorizing the town and the people in it. During a particularly dramatic night Lucy found herself in a fight with one of the vampires right outside the church where everyone could see. After that she was no longer allowed into the church at sunset, instead the rumors about her began to fly. Was she one of them? Working with them? Who exactly was Lucy Silverlake? Nobody knew much about her.

Lucy tried ignoring the people of the community, although stressed by her sudden thrust into the limelight, she and Helena had been outcasts for most of her life. It came with the territory of constantly being uprooted for ten years. The only people standing by her were the Blakes and Max, all refusing to seek refuge at the church once the sun set. The days continued on like that as panic rose in Last Chance, Colorado. Shunning Lucy and the Blakes the townspeople began pointing fingers at everyone and everything trying to figure out a reasonable explanation for the creatures inhabiting their town as Lucy continued her nightly patrols, killing vampires where she could with the help of Max.

Things seemed like they might on that way forever until one night when Lucy came back from a nightly patrol to find that both of her foster parents and Max had all been slaughtered and left on the front porch of the Blakes’ home as if an offering to Lucy. Enraged and running solely off of grief she recalled her sister’s words about how Last Chance needed her. They had a funny way of showing it but Lucy wasn’t going to argue with Helena’s parting words. Instead she went to the old elementary school that she knew the vampires were nesting in. Max had always warned her away from taking on the leader head on but Max was dead and Lucy had nothing to lose.

The battle raged on until sun rise and by the time Lucy walked out of the school and into the sunlight covered in dried blood and dirt the threat was gone. She wasn’t sure what she had expected from the people of the town but she learned quickly that gratitude wasn’t an option when all of them immediately turned on her and blamed her for the Blakes’ death. She was arrested that same morning and taken to a juvenile facility until forensic evidence came back with absolutely no link between her and the staggering mortality rate of Last Chance, Colorado.

Lucy never went back to Last Chance but she’s sure that what’s left of the town still talks about the months they spent living in fear and the strange girl who came into town just as it all happened. She doesn’t think too hard about the stories that will likely be passed down from this generation to the next and twisted into just another urban legend. Now at seventeen and out of juvenile hall, Lucy headed to Los Angeles after hearing a rumor about a school for girls just like her. She’s not sure what to expect in LA, just that it won’t last. Nothing ever does.